I don’t know what’s about this subject lack, but I think that in the past few weeks, when all the stress about my job is getting weak to get strong in the next few months, everything I think about is relationships: present ones, past ones, future ones.
Argument: I think it’s something about this anxious concerned to the fact of blue eyes are coming, and the guilty for knowing that brown eyes are always around, tiny winy closed of smiling to me every time I see them. I mean, not really around, because they are quite far away, but they’re closer than the blue eyes. Like, two hours. By car.
Fact: Ok, it’s time to admit: I’ve been feeling a little guilty. I’ve been feeling this way, a little unfocused. Focused on love, what a strange thing to a scorpion girl that always jumped by head on the relationship pool, without knowing if there was water inside of it.
There are not arguments against facts: guilty is an awful feeling, but something I can understand when I get into his place and think, oh God, she’s a bitch. While I’m dying for her, she’s been planning all the details about the blue eyes stay in here? Bitch! But the truth is that I am not lying when I tell him I miss him. My healthy part tells me that if I was satisfied with one I wouldn’t be anxiously waiting for the other one. But my psycho part argues that we definitely can love two people at the same time.
Opening parentheses: I get enormously confused when i try to describe love. This kind of love we can only see in movies, this one that people say we feel only for few ones. I heard some people say that each person has only two great loves in her entire life. If it is the way it is, I’m so fucked up. Two options, one truth: I’m going to end up completely alone, rounded by a thousand cats, because I have had like six loves before… Or I have never been truly in love. And if it’s true, for god sakes, I’m absolutely scared of loving someone! I can not imagine a love bigger than 2 or 3 I felt before. I’ve had suffered a lot for love! Or almost loves, I don’t know. If it wasn’t love, it’s been the biggest non loves I’ve ever had. Closing parentheses.
Mental exercise: to imagine a true big love. Oh God, the only example that occurred to me is a couple of actors that live right by my door. At least they look like happy, every time I met then at the neighborhood market choosing their tomatoes and potatoes together. And that’s all. So cute, but they are good actors, I cannot swear to God that they are truly happy.
Admitted fact: I don’t know any real happy couple. No relationship that I envy at all. That’s terrible, I, right me, that am always guiding my self through references am not able to find a good one in the relationship field. Maybe that’s the point: do not have references, let it flow till it works. Or not.
Little paradox: the difficult part on let it flow has been the fact that none of them – blue or brown eyes – are around. Blue eyes haven’t come yet, and brown ones are already gone. The interesting thing is that all my last relationships involve far away living people. Maybe it’s some kind of trick from my unconscious? A sadist way of not putting fantasy and reality face to face? Living in the eternal “what about…?” that is so close to me?
Optimistically way of living: my mother’s chakra therapist told her that she saw a man in my life. But her prediction has value for the only next 6 months.
Questionable point: if even a fortune telling has validity period, what can be said about love?
Argument: I think it’s something about this anxious concerned to the fact of blue eyes are coming, and the guilty for knowing that brown eyes are always around, tiny winy closed of smiling to me every time I see them. I mean, not really around, because they are quite far away, but they’re closer than the blue eyes. Like, two hours. By car.
Fact: Ok, it’s time to admit: I’ve been feeling a little guilty. I’ve been feeling this way, a little unfocused. Focused on love, what a strange thing to a scorpion girl that always jumped by head on the relationship pool, without knowing if there was water inside of it.
There are not arguments against facts: guilty is an awful feeling, but something I can understand when I get into his place and think, oh God, she’s a bitch. While I’m dying for her, she’s been planning all the details about the blue eyes stay in here? Bitch! But the truth is that I am not lying when I tell him I miss him. My healthy part tells me that if I was satisfied with one I wouldn’t be anxiously waiting for the other one. But my psycho part argues that we definitely can love two people at the same time.
Opening parentheses: I get enormously confused when i try to describe love. This kind of love we can only see in movies, this one that people say we feel only for few ones. I heard some people say that each person has only two great loves in her entire life. If it is the way it is, I’m so fucked up. Two options, one truth: I’m going to end up completely alone, rounded by a thousand cats, because I have had like six loves before… Or I have never been truly in love. And if it’s true, for god sakes, I’m absolutely scared of loving someone! I can not imagine a love bigger than 2 or 3 I felt before. I’ve had suffered a lot for love! Or almost loves, I don’t know. If it wasn’t love, it’s been the biggest non loves I’ve ever had. Closing parentheses.
Mental exercise: to imagine a true big love. Oh God, the only example that occurred to me is a couple of actors that live right by my door. At least they look like happy, every time I met then at the neighborhood market choosing their tomatoes and potatoes together. And that’s all. So cute, but they are good actors, I cannot swear to God that they are truly happy.
Admitted fact: I don’t know any real happy couple. No relationship that I envy at all. That’s terrible, I, right me, that am always guiding my self through references am not able to find a good one in the relationship field. Maybe that’s the point: do not have references, let it flow till it works. Or not.
Little paradox: the difficult part on let it flow has been the fact that none of them – blue or brown eyes – are around. Blue eyes haven’t come yet, and brown ones are already gone. The interesting thing is that all my last relationships involve far away living people. Maybe it’s some kind of trick from my unconscious? A sadist way of not putting fantasy and reality face to face? Living in the eternal “what about…?” that is so close to me?
Optimistically way of living: my mother’s chakra therapist told her that she saw a man in my life. But her prediction has value for the only next 6 months.
Questionable point: if even a fortune telling has validity period, what can be said about love?
